“When you pray to El Roi, you are praying to the one who knows everything about you”. Ann Spangler ‘Praying the Names of God: A Daily Guide‘
I’ve never been more broken than when I attempted Suicide on October 8, 2003. Looking at my life now you must be surprised to know that I could have been in that place. I had been abandoned again. Not by God, by people. Why was I still relying on people for my happiness instead of pressing in to the One who sacrificed His only Son so that I might live? …. to have and enjoy my life until it overflows!
I still hadn’t mastered having authority over the devil. I missed the mark for God’s plan for my future. I now know that I had to go there to get to where I am today, safe in His grace and filling up my spirit with His wisdom, patience, self-control and loving-kindness. It is freedom!
But there I was. High on Adderall. It was like being on Cocaine. I had never done any drugs before. I didn’t know if it was even possible to die from the amount I had taken. I had sunk to the lowest point I have ever been. Adderall is prescribed for people with ADHD. As an adult, in my early 30’s, I had recently been diagnosed. That is why I had the prescription.
The man I had been seeing moved out of town unexpectedly. He had been unable to secure work here, so he left in pursuit of stabilization. I was ignoring the fact that God wanted to be my stability. He is my help! He is a Strongtower!
Since my diagnosis of ADD, my mom has continued to remind me that I have the mind of Christ. Sometimes, it takes a while for your head knowledge to relax and your heart to grow so that the two can get in sync.
Growing up wasn’t easy. I first became aware there was something “different” about me when I was in Elementary school. I now know from Henry W. Wright’s book ‘A More Excellent Way‘ that was the deaf and dumb spirit coming in me. It was a Generational curse and the spirit had fallen on me.
Adderall wasn’t for me. God is for me! He knew it, He knows it and now I seek to stabilize myself in Him. Adderall made me a different person. Even Satan knew if he could get me on those pills, the father of lies could successfully lead me down the path of self-destruction. I had called my brother the following morning to take me to the hospital. I felt like my Kidneys were having problems. I hoped they would pump my stomach and rid me of the poison I had inhaled. I guess by the time we got there, it had been too long since they had been in my system, so they rehydrated me and as if it hadn’t already been a rough 15 hours, it was about to get worse.
One of the doctors came in to my room and asked me if I was going to try to hurt myself again. Without hesitation, I believed in my heart that, yes I probably would. That was that. I was tried and crucified by the people I thought were there to help me. In order to “save” me from myself, they sent me to Peachford Behavioral Hospital. I had no clue what I had unintentionally signed up for. This was to be my version of the “Scared Straight” program. From the moment I got there, I knew this was not a place I would ever want to visit again. It wasn’t where I belonged. I had involuntarily given up my rights to manage myself. God was in control now because I was crying out for help.
In the ward they sent me to, I met people I knew needed God. These people were in bondage to themselves, because Satan had given them a key, like he had me, but the father of lies had thrown their key away. I wondered how they were going to get out of that hospital and learn how to thrive the way I already had hope for. We had to attend Group sessions and talk about what had happened to put us there and dig into the past in order to move forward. There were stories I had to walk out on. I couldn’t stand to sit there unable to love on someone (because I didn’t love myself) and listen to unimaginable pain. I had no knowledge of 1st hand experience of sexual abuse. There was a lot of that in the group they put me in. I’m not sure why God put me with those folks. I still ponder that sometimes. I don’t have the answer right now. I can make assumptions, but I’ll wait until He gives me a revelation. Maybe He already has and I haven’t acknowledged it.
I stayed at the hospital (8) days. I couldn’t wait until my parents came to pick me up. I felt like I was 16 years old, even though I was in my early 30s. I was ashamed at what I had done and refreshed by the hope they offered me. It was one of the concrete moments I remember knowing without question that my parents love me. God wants us to know that, too. He is a Heavenly, Merciful, Gracious Father! See Zephaniah 3:17 (AMP) 17The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior [Who saves]! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest [in silent satisfaction] and in His love He will be silent and make no mention [of past sins, or even recall them]; He will exult over you with singing.
After I got out of the hospital, my Behavioral therapist (the same Doctor who had diagnosed the ADD) put me on a different medication since apparently the Adderall was not what I needed. The world thought it best to manage my symptoms with another pill. I didn’t yet have a comfortable handle on it to let go of another poison, so I gave in…. again. As I write this, I can’t remember the name of the new drug they prescribed. I only knew after having it in my system for a month or so that it continued to not make me feel like myself, but I kept taking it. Within a year and a few months, I had finally gotten to the point where I was comfortable and in a safe place to go cold turkey off of the medication. I had quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey and didn’t need a doctor or “The Patch” for that, so why would I go to my doctor to get off the medicine? I knew it wasn’t advisable, but I also knew God could help me through it. In the short-term, going cold turkey was a POOR choice! For the long-term, it was the right choice for me. I won’t go into depth of how my body responded, but if you know anyone who has been through drug withdrawal, that is what I put myself through.
I’ve been scared straight. Prior to October 2003, I had lived a life-time of depression, self-hatred, and abandonment. I can securely and confidently say I have no desire to go back to a life of depression. How could I have been saved at 15, but missed the mark until I was 32 years old? El Roi, the God who sees me, had His hand on me and in me the whole time. I can look back now over the past (9) years and I see glimpses of hope, joy, peace, comfort. There is no depression there. That isn’t the plan Jesus has for me. He was waiting on me to be the Eagle christian God always knew that I could be. Here I am, Abba. Send me!
Romans 8:38-39 Amplified Bible (AMP)
38For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things [a]impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, 39Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.